BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10

By Simon Travaglia (spt@waikato.ac.nz)

I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations
Fundamentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
janitor and cruise on down.

The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where
students get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about
operations.

I get out my pad and pen.

"Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username
before you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to
terms you would understand better"

The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them.

"First Question, You over there.."

"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"

"What was your username please?"

"CMS1103"

>Scratchy scritch<

"Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You mean stuff like
reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
come out of the closet?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"

"AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM
example. Next question. You, over there..."

"CMS1136. I was.."

"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to
alt.sex.buggery.by.sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"

"It's purely for research purposes!"

"I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"

"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"

"Next please..."

...

Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty.

That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn. I go
back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I think he's after
my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and cancel his
health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too careful..

I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911 so I can catch
a bit of shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over the
excuse calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too plausible -
although in some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be stuffed.
I'll pick another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES" Now THAT'S one
with a challenge!

I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the
printer's stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could be
the big one!

"Hello?"

"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"

"Simple, just type 'spell' and the filename"

"Thanks"

I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of
spell introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing
friend to freind instead of vice-versa. What the hell.

The phone rings - it's them again.

"There's something wrong with spell"

"What makes you think that?"

"Because my file is all corrupt now!"

"That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into through a PC?"

"Yes, but I can.."

"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic
ruler somewhere on or in the desk?"

"Um >clunka<, yes..."

"Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the
changing electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that
makes bits of paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."

DUMMY MODE ON

"Oh. What do I do?"

"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of
times? Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off
the desk & drop it."

"Oh. OK"

>crash< ... >crash< ... >crash< ... >crash<

"Um, the screen went dark"

"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And when you're
finished, do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to
it."

>crash< ... >crash< ... >crash< ... >crash< ...

I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the
floppy drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me
and shoots me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear
the ex System-Manager's chuckle....

Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username...

Then everything goes dark.