THE BASTARD'S STILL ABOUT!

By Simon Travaglia (spt@waikato.ac.nz)

It's a warm afternoon as I roll into work after a heavy night at an my 
favourite bar.

I'm in such a run-down mood I almost don't notice the smell of deodorant
in the air. Deodorant can only mean one thing - an outsider. No-one here
cares if their smell offends anyone. The smell is pretty thick which means
the bearer must have been here a while.

As these thoughts steam sluggishly through my brain, I trundle through to
the expresso machine and fill my tankard with the syruppy dark roast Italian.

Barely have I time to turn off logins than I meet today's visitor.

"Simon?" the boss chirps from the doorway "Ah.. I'd like to meet John Stern,
he's the speaker from "MOTIVATION 2000" that we mentioned in the
departmental newsgroup last week..."

"HI!" John gushes, powerdressed to the max.

"Oh, Do we have a departmental newsgroup?" I ask the boss, toying with him.

"..and sent you email about.."

"Well, you know I don't read my email, it's just a load of mealy mouthed
whining from malcontents" I counter

"But I send you mail all the time.."

"Like I said, it's just a load..."

"AH SIMON, John's here to talk to us about improving our department's morale"

"Morale? What's wrong with our Morale? Hell, I laughed THREE times
yesterday"

"Yes, I heard the ambulance... Simon, this is a compulsory meeting. All
the department will be there..." the boss urges, fingers crossed

"Ah yes, how is the flock?" I ask, disinterestedly

"I'm sorry? Simon, the whole department is going. It would be good.."

"Yes. Well, I don't think it would be *good* `morally' for me to attend"

"Simon  >PREGNANT PAUSE

Now THIS is a turn-up for the books! The boss, against all popular rumours,
appears to have a spine. True, he's sweating profusely and has picked up a
tremor, but he does appear to be holding his ground. I re-evaluate the
potential threat of John, and decide to attend. 

"Oh. Oh, Ok then" I mutter in a defeated manner

The relief on the boss's face is phenomenal. He immediately ceases radiating 
nervous heat and his bowels get a new lease on life. He smiles nervously
and starts his exit to a new world of respect and authority...

We all have our dreams...

"GLAD TO HAVE YOU ON THE TEAM SIMON! YOU WERE MAYBE A LITTLE HESITANT TO
START OUT WITH, BUT I'M SURE WE'LL GET TO BE GREAT FRIENDS!!!" John blurts

"Yes" I say, concentrating on remembering where I put my coffee

"YES. NOW COME ON, BUCK UP!!!"

"I'm sorry?" I whisper, instantly in attack mode - the boss freezes in
terror

"BUCK UP!, YOU KNOW, MOTIVATION!!"

"Oh, `BUCK' up.." I relax

The boss giggles nervously and resumes his exit waddle.

"YOU KNOW SIMON WHENEVER I HAVE MOTIVATION PROBLEMS I SAY TO MYSELF `IT'S A
DAY TO CELEBRATE, 'CAUSE TO DAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE!'"

"I see. So it'll be a double celebration for you today then?"

"I'M SORRY, I DON'T GET..."

The boss `GET's allright, and hurriedly drags him from the room. I decide
its time to get some real work done, and call an ex-operator trainee of
mine who works at the National Security Information Centre. A good trainee
too, passed with flying colours. You can tell, he's still alive.

"HELLO!" he shouts "WADDAYA WANT!"

Old habits do die hard

"SIMON HERE" I shout back

"SO?"

I compliment myself on a job well done.

"I want some information on a John Stern"

"Stern. Isn't he that Motivation guy?"

"The very same."

"Yeah, I don't have to look him up, but I will anyway. He came here three
weeks ago for a motivation retreat. I got a non-specific disease those days"

"Tragic. But what did I tell you about problems? CONFRONT THEM HEAD ON!
DON'T AVOID THEM!! It's bad for your rep."

"Yeah, you're right. He's coming back in a couple of weeks for a refresher
and I can't back out those days because we're updating vetting info on some
national politicians and I'll want a copy for... backup purposes"

"I'm sure you do. Well, what can you tell me?"

"Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you anything Simon. As you know all our
information is carefully monitored for compliance with the Data Security
and Privacy Laws, and there's no way to extract information without it
being monitored"

We laugh, and he emails everything to me. I look through the data and find
that Stern is cleaner than the Watergate filing cabinet. A great shame.

Motivation O'Clock arrives and I wander to the seminar room. John's setting
up some display on his laptop, no doubt with lots of cartoon characters
depicting co-operation and unity. Nothing turns my stomach more...

"SIMON! GOOD TO SEE YOU!!" John spurts. He slips his hand into mine with
a non-threatening orientation. I grab it in such a manner that his ends up
on top of mine in the classic repressive Body-Language manner. He immediately
notes this, loosens his grip and starts to remove his hand, all according to
plan. A squeeze and twist later and John's morale is a little less than 100%
with two dislocated fingers.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" I gush, helping John back to the nearest available seat..
..which unforunately has his laptop with it's fragile liquid crystal display.

Tragic.

>Whumph!
"Nobody Move!" I call "It's dark and we don't want any accidents!!"

Everyone in the department freezes, knowing what this means. The god of
computing wants a sacrifice, and volunteers are being called for.

"HOLD ON EVERYONE, I HAVE A TORCH IN MY BRIEFCASE!" John calls

If John were telekinetic, he would be reeling back from the mental shouts
of "DON'T DO IT!". However, he obviously, and sadly, is not.

>WHOPWHOPWHOP
Or should I say, WAS not.

Two minutes later the lights come on and the tragedy is revealed. The police
are called.

"...apparently, fell forwards, head first into his briefcase, the
spring-loaded lid of which slammed down upon his neck three times, snapping
it like a twig"

I nod. The boss nods. The flock nods. One big happy family once more.